


Letters

by chrisevafeels



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Chriseva, Eva Kviig Mohn/Christoffer Schistad- Freeform, F/M, Letters, Mohnstad, SKAM, christoffer schistad - Freeform, eva kviig mohn - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2019-03-20 20:25:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13725330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chrisevafeels/pseuds/chrisevafeels





	1. Chapter 1

Eva,

I bet you had never imagined me doing something like this, and if you think this letter sucks and it's just me rambling and not getting straight to the point, you're right. Maybe this will suck, maybe you will never receive this cause maybe I won't be able to find the courage to even send this to you. But at least I need to try. Because you deserve that and a lot more, and I know for a fact that you would be proud of me just for trying. 

So...yeah, I don't really know how to start, cause, when I look back at what we had I notice that we never had a proper beginning, I just remember gravitating towards you at any chance I got, and feeling so overwhelmed I couldn't be anything else that an asshole most of the times. But for some reason you kinda found me funny and maybe good enough to keep me around. 

When we were alone I felt like my truest self, even though at first I was hiding behind that fuckboy facade that I had spent so many years building. You never gave up on me, you never asked me questions that I didn't want to answer, but you were always there when I decided to open up. And the look on your face when you were listening to what whatever I had to say was what made me see you in a different light than the rest of the people, I was starting to really like you without even noticing it.

I remember that time when we were spending almost every day together, without anyone knowing about us, without any pressure, no labels, just us, enjoying eachother. It all felt so natural I didn't even had time to panic about what was happening between us and how I was starting to feel towards you.

My first year in college was hard for me. In Nissen I felt important, protected, the coolest guy around, but in college I was just a nobody. I felt out of place most of the time, like I didn't belong there and when my courses where done I couldn't wait to get out of there. Even thought I had always been good with new people and never had a problem with making new friends I couldn't bring myself to be the guy that I know that I am. I was so unhappy there and the only thing that made me feel good was being with you. With you I felt like the coolest guy again. All the things we did together that year are some of my favourite memories and I grew so attached to you I thought it was unfair, cause even if you don't know this you were the only person that had the power to lift me up, and that was a responsibility too big to put on anyone's shoulders.

I decided that I needed to find myself, and I remember telling you that I was leaving after that christmas party we went together. I spent all that night observing you, every little thing, I wanted to have you printed on my memory. When we were finally alone, at your bed, in our safe place I knew the time to talk had come, and I almost couldn't do it. I had never imagine that leaving you could be so hard for me. You were there, looking at me, trying to figure me out, cause you knew something was wrong. You were caressing my face that way I loved so much, and I just wanted that to last forever. I was so scared and embarrassed, maybe all we had was in my head and you didn't feel the same way about me. We had never talked about feelings and maybe they weren't there for you. I wanted to tell you so many things but I couldn't put most of them into words. I wanted to ask you if you were going to miss me, if you were going to be with other guys, if you thought someone could touch you the way I did, because I sure knew that for me it was going to be impossible to find a person that could made me feel the way I felt when I was with you. But I didn't say any of that, instead I did what I always do when I'm scared, trying to cover that up by turning my feelings into a joke.  
I told you that I was leaving to join the army as casually as I could, trying to swallow everything I really wanted to say and acting like a like a total douchebag, like I didn't even care about you, and you were just another girl. I knew that hurted you, even when you pretented to be alright with every single dumb thing that was flying out of my mouth, I knew you better than that, and I wanted to take back everything I said, cause if there was something that I didn't want, was for you to cry, I couldn't let that happen, not for a person like me.  
So I did what I knew best, letting my body explain what I wasn't able to tell you. We spend all night together and then it was time for me to go. You were sleeping and I thought that would be for the best, not been able to say goodbye, so I left you there and I felt broken. I though you were going to forget about me, that everything we had was going to fade and all you were going to had left was a vague memory of a dumb boy that never cared enough about you.  
But you surprised me once again, showing up at the airport to say goodbye to me, letting me know that our thing was not over, and we could still workout somehow, and I was on cloud nine, cause I felt that even when I was a dick you still got me, you still saw through me, you never gave up on me.  
The last thing I did before getting in that plane was kissing you, and I tresured that memory every single day we were apart.

We talked a lot when I was away, almost every day. I missed you like you would never guess.  
In the army I was starting to feel a lot more like myself again. I was making new friends, I was learing so many things, I was growing, and I couldn't wait to go back and share everything with you. But with the days passing I noticed that something about you had change, it was hard to point out what it was, but I felt like you were being a little bit cold with me, and I panicked. A lot of things went through my head, maybe you found someone new, or you just got bored of me, every possibility was painfull, cause every one of them seemed so real.  
When you mentioned your birthday party I knew that I needed to go, so I did everything I could to get the days off, and I did.  
I needed to see you in person, I wanted to know what was going on with you, with us.  
When I arrived at your party I was nervous to see you, I didn't know how you were going to react, all I could do was hope for you to not be indifferent or annoyed. And you weren't, you smiled at me, as bright as ever and then you hugged me as hard and warm as I needed, and eveything fell into place again. I didn't left your side for even a brief second. I had the time of my life at that party.  
Once again we were where we were supposed to be, together, alone, in your bed, showing how much we missed each other, even if we didn't do that with words. That night I couldn't sleep I was watching you. I knew that I didn't want to keep figuring out what we had, I was tired of walking on thin ice, I wanted you, I wanted us to be together, for real, and I decided that I was going to make that happen.

When you said that we could never be together it hurted. And suddenly all the weight that was my past fell onto me. I couldn't even blame you for thinking that I was just a fuckboy, I never tried to prove that reputation wrong, and for the first time I was suffering the consequences. But the way you kept kissing made me think that even if you didn't trust me completely, you still liked me, you wanted me to be there, with you. And all I wanted to do was to prove you that I could be everything you deserved. But of course, I started to do that in the sloppiest most cringy way possible, instead of just being myself. I tried to do what worked for other people, relying in other people's judgment instead of going with what I knew you would like. Suddenly I felt so insecure, like every other person knew you better that me, even though we had been together for almost four years. And I know that many people would say that we where never together, but for me, and I hope you feel the same, we were. I have grown with you, I have learn from my mistakes with you, I have shared things with you that I will never tell anybody else, and most important, I have learnt how to love with you, because I fell in love with you, so hard I couldn't even acknowledge it.

I know I have fucked it up so hard with you. Belive me. I regret what happened at that party every single day, and that's why I'm writting you, cause I want to let you know how I really feel about us, how much the time that we have spent together means to me. I have never been brave enough to tell you that I love you and that was something that I really needed to get out of my chest.

The last thing I want is to put any pressure on you, I just want to let you know how I feel, how I have felt all these years since I met you.

I would love to see you, I would love for us to talk, I want to know how you feel. The decision is yours, I would understand if you don't want to see me, but if you do please let me know.

I miss you so fucking much. I love you.

Christoffer


	2. Chapter 2

Eva,  
I totally get the fact that you didn't want to respond to my letter. Believe me, I truly do. And as I said before I don't mean to put any preassure on you. But since I feel like we are not going to see each other again, at least not the way I would want to, I just can't stop writting, and just as the other one, I'm not sure if I'm going to send you this letter once I finish it. I don't want to seem desperate, or to make you feel uneasy, like I'm some type of psycho who just won't leave you alone. But once I started expressing what I truly felt throught all the time we spent together, I couldn't just stop there, cause there are so many things left, so many years without telling you how you made me feel and how much every single thing meant to me.

The first thing I want to tell you though, is that I am sorry. I'm sorry for so many things, but specially for acting so inmature and stupid the last time we were together. I told you that I regret what I did every day. And I feel that wasn't enough to say. That's not a good enough apology, that's not the apology that I truly owe you, the one that you truly deserve.

After you told me that we could never be together I became obssesed with the idea of having a relationship. Maybe because of the rejection, maybe because I wanted to prove something, maybe because before that point, I've never thought that you and me could be in such different pages after all, and I got scared. I was never the type of guy that wanted to have a girlfriend, I was always happier with that sense of "freedom" that I thought being single allowed you to have, and I could never commit with anybody or anything anyways, so, that worked for me.  
When we started to see each other on a regular basis, it never crossed my mind that I could end up so smitten with you. I was so attracted to you and I loved your company so much, but I thought that I could control what I felt, I thought that if our thing ended I wouldn't even feel a thing, because I kept telling myself that you were just another girl, a really amazing one, but I could cope with the fact that whatever we were doing could come to an end anytime. Needless to say, I was wrong.  
The first time I thought I fucked up, I couldn't sleep, I wanted to think that had nothing to do with you, but before I could even notice I was driving to your house, and when you let me in without a trace of anger or judgment on your face, I knew that I was in trouble, I was in too deep, and I wasn't even going to do anything to stop myself. I let myself go that night, I touched you in a way I had never touch anyone before, maybe you didn't notice that, but for me, something changed that night. The way we made love, the way we talked afterwards, the fact that I spent the night and almost half of the next day with you for the first time. Something was odd, but it felt too good to stop.  
So I just kept going with it, getting more and more involved as the days passed, making up excuses to try and convince myself that I wasn't falling in love with you.

We kept getting more and more personal with each other. You opened up with me. You shared your story with me and I felt blessed that I was one of the few people that knew you that well, one of the few you trusted. We could talk about everything, soon, the hookups weren't just our thing. Long conversations every single day, some of them really deep, some of them just about silly little things we both enjoyed. But for some reason we always left a topic out. Us. What we we?, How were we feeling about each other?. You never brought that up, and neither did I.  
Our whole relationship felt like a gigant blank space that we couldn't even try to define. But for some reason, at that point, I didn't really need to gave it a meaning, a label, I had you by my side and to me, at the time, that was more than enough.

Everything turned out way more complicated when I left to join the army. Even though we were still talking almost every day, the fact that I wasn't able to see you and be with you, was eating me alive. Every little change I noticed on you, maybe a tone in your voice, maybe a text that seemed weird, made me feel uneasy. That was the first time in my life I felt something like that. I was realising that I was only able to realise my own feelings, but yours remained unknown to me. Maybe you were over me, I couldn't know.  
When we reunited most of those negative perceptions were brushed away. You looked at me the same way you always did, a way that made me feel calmed and warm inside. We talked, we partied, we laughed, we ended up in your bed. Everything felt just as good as always. 

I knew that I couldn't keep up with the no strings attached kinda thing anymore. I didn't want to feel insecure about us anymore. So I decided I was going to finally admit to myself and you that I was in love, that I wanted you for much more than a steamy hook up, that I loved you and I wanted us to try and give a serious relationship a shot. But instead of just opening up to you and telling you what I just wrote, I made up a dream and I tried every teenage pick up line I got.   
I was hurted when you said no and brushed off my attempts, but you were still there, kissing me. You didn't panicked when I told you I wanted you to be my girlfriend, you just laughed, as if you didn't take me seriously, which I totally understand.   
I was determined to keep with my attempts, but I was starting to feel more and more defeated. Every piece of advice that I got didn't helped me even a little bit, but it made me understand that you weren't the only one who couldn't take me seriously when I said that I wanted to have a serious relationship. The penetrator Chris reputation was still preceding me as a person on the eyes of everyone. That thing really hit me hard. And so did the fact that even my own best friend told me that I was wrong, that my feelings weren't real, that I wanted you just because I couldn't have you. I don't want to make up any excuses to justify what I did at the party, cause that was completely my own fault, but everything I was dealing with, just really fucked with my head.

I still tried so hard to seemed okay. I brought you flowers and I knew that you didn't like them, just because I was acting so odd. You asked me if something was wrong and I when I said that eveything was fine, you didn't believe me. I was acting like a caricature of myself, and you noticed that. We spent the day before the party together and I just couldn't enjoy it. My head was so full of bullshit I just couldn't concentrate in enjoying my time with you.   
I told you that I wasn't feeling great, so I left without spending the night. I sure regret that. What a fool. If I knew what was to come I would change so many things about that day. I missed my opportunity to tell you everything that was going through my mind, maybe that would had change everything.

When the day of the party came I didn't know why it felt like a deadline, like something I couldn't make on time. I was so distracted I even forgot to tell you how beautifull you looked that day.   
Everyone was so happy at the party I felt out of place. I was surrounded by strong, loving people and I thought a fuckboy like me had no right to be there.  
You were with me the whole time, as beautiful and radiant as ever, smiling to me, talking to me, reasuring me. But I was so out of everything I didn't even noticed that. You never left my side, but I did left yours. 

When I first saw that girl, the first thing that came to my mind was that I had never seen her before. And that was what made it for me, cause if I didn't know her, that meant she didn't know me either. That was my chance of leaving Penetrator Chris behind, she didn't know anything about me, I could start all over. I thought that was what I needed, the right thing to do, even if some poor girl had to suffer the consequences of me being broken hearted. Once again I was wrong.  
As soon as I left with her, I started regreting everything. So I dropped her at her house and never spoke to her again.  
After that, I went to your house, but I couldn't find the courage to actually go knock on your door and apoligize to you, like a man. So I just stayed there, hidden in your porch, without actually doing anything that could potencially fix what I did.

And now here I am, writting you again, maybe bothering you. I don't expect you to forgive me, and I don't want to come up with excuses just to justify my actions. But I needed to explain myself, I couldn't keep those things to myself anymore.  
I just want you to know that, not a single thing that happened was because I didn't care about or I didn't love you, they just happened because I was too inmature to handle things like I was supposed to. Don't ever think that I went with another girl because I thought she was better than you in any way. That could never happen. You are the best person I have ever met, I could never replace you even if I tried.   
I'm so sorry for everything.

I love you

Christoffer


	3. Letters/ Final

Chris,

When we met for the first time I would never have imagined that you would become one of the most important people in my life.

Even if it seems like time hasn't pass, we have known each other for almost four years now, and yes, I have to agree with you, even if we had never admitted it, we have been in a relationship, a weird one and a wild one, but a relationship.  
When we first met I was not the same girl I am today, and I feel that, in a way, you have helped me so much on my journy of becoming the person that I now am.   
I was always so worried about what people though or had to say about me, I was insecure and I wasn't enjoying myself as much as I wanted to. I knew I needed to change that and when I found some courage I finally did it. All I wanted to do was to have as much fun as I could, I deserved that. And everytime I needed someome to have fun with, you were there, ready for anything I could ask you.  
We would always party together and we were always the last ones to go home. At first our thing just consisted in that, party, make out, dance our asses off and then part ways. We were both more than okay with that. But soon that wasn't enough anymore, so we started to see each other outside parties, in the real word, on pure daylight.  
That made me notice so many things about you I had never payed attention before. I was starting to know you as the awesome person you are, not just penetrator Chris, the party animal.  
I loved talking to you, either when we were gossiping, sharing memes or talking about personal stuff. But I did enjoy the times when we didn't talk at all, when you came to my house just because, and we both would do our own thing, but keeping each other company. We were on a level of comfort that was weird, to say the least, for a pair of people that just considered themselves to be friends.

I was discovering so many things about you, and I started to like you a little bit too much. The little things were what made it for me.   
The way you could talk with everyone, making every single person feel comfortable with you, listening what eveyone had to say. I could tell that even my friends were noticing that, how good of a person you truly are. And when we were alone, you always made me feel so special, you would look at me in such a loving way I couldn't even help but to fall for you. But because I didn't want to go back to my old habits, where the person I loved would matter more than myself, and I didn't even know what our thing meant to you anyways, I tried to downplay what I was feeling. At the end of the day we were just friends with benefits, and I wanted it to stay that way. Or so I thought.

The last days we spent together were a mess. You were so determined, but I was scared, I didn't know if I was ready for what you wanted and deserved. I kept pushing you away, but you didn't back out, even though I could see you were getting more and more defeated. And I completely understand you, I should have empathize with you, but, at that point I was too overwhelmed with fear to notice how badly things were affecting you.

After everything that happened at the party, I really wanted to hate you, I wanted to think that I was right when I called you a "cheating fuckboy", that I did the best thing for me when I told you we would never be together. But I just couldn't.

Everything that happened was a mess, and you are not the only one who has to apologize, I did so many things wrong too, I missunderstood you and I didn't payed enough attention to what was happening to you.  
We both did things wrong, but I don't want to feel sorry for it the rest of my life, and I don't want you to do that either. 

The reason I took this long to write back was because I really wanted to be sure of what I was feeling, I don't want to fuck up with you anymore, you don't deserve that. And after reading your letters and finally understanding how you feel I know I can't possibly be more sure of what I want, and that is you.  
I love you Chris. And I want to be with you. I know that I deserve you, just as much as you deserve me. I don't think anyone could make me happier than you, and I want to keep growing, learning and making mistakes by your side.  
I want us to be in a real, serious relationship, one where we don't have to hide what we truly feel, where we don't need to fear that the other person may not feel the same way. I want us to be crystal clear, I trust you and I want you to know that you can trust me too. It may or may not be easy, but I'm willing to make it work and I hope you do too.

I can't wait to see you, I missed you so much.   
So....hurry up and come downstairs, your favourite stalker is waiting for you outside!

I love you so much.

Eva


End file.
